Everett on My Mind

 A couple weeks ago, Sunday July 27 to be exact, I lay in bed, sleep not coming to me, and my mind skipping from one memory to another. The subject of all these memories was my grandson Everett. I don’t know why, but Everett’s presence has been very strong recently and I even carry on conversations with him. This night he was very much with me. Then, I almost sat straight up, even more wide awake. The realization hit me that this day was the third anniversary of Everett’s death. I had tried calling Sarah earlier and no answer. I had also tried Laura also with no answer. These were my usual Sunday calls just to check in and talk (Martha being a usual Wednesday call.) I tried to sleep, but the memories would not stop.  I had a very strong clear feeling that I needed to write about this.  Not just a one day thing as to what I was thinking at the time.  But more on the order of a blog capturing some of my thoughts and feelings about Everett, and why he was and continues to be a strong presence in my life.

The most fun I had writing, was the blog I did back in 2011 when I spent a month sabbatical in Italy.  I had always wanted to spend some extended time in Italy, and talked my boss into giving me a month off.  I  traveled to Italy alone to study Italian, and to just get away from life here.  It was a fantastic experience.  Karen and others have told me that I write well, and that I should continue.  Karen, especially has been encouraging me to write.  But, I've tried duplicating that blog experience in Italy, and it hasn't been quite the same.  I always say that the experience in Italy was unique, and it was the easiest thing in the world for me to write at the end of the day about my daily activities and thoughts.  Being in a foreign country with all new people and experiences gave me tons to write about.  Now, I  didn't think I had anything to write about.  Sitting down to just write about my boring day to day existence without any particular focus did not appeal to me.

Fourteen years later, on that recent evening, it was as if Everett was talking to me and telling me to sit down and write, and he would me my muse.  It all seemed so clear and compelling that I vowed to jump into this project.  As usual, upon waking the next day, the feeling seemed weaker, and I started talking myself out of doing this. I had many excuses as to why this wasn't a good idea.  But, I am going to follow through on the clear vision I had that night, and see where this goes.  I recently mentioned this to an old friend from college who has done some writing of his own. We talked about writing just for yourself or whether you're writing for an audience.  He strongly believed that you need an audience.  As I thought about this, I agreed.  While I mainly wrote the Italy blog for myself, I also had a small audience of family and friends.  They would post comments to my daily posts, and I fed off those comments to keep going.  It definitely added to my enjoyment.   There is a part of me now that is intimidated at the thought of anyone reading this.  For some reason, I now feel a bit more inhibited and that I would need to censor my thoughts if I had an audience.  Well, the hell with that.  What is there I need to censor.  Heaven forbid that I would let anyone know what goes on in my brain.  I don't really expect anyone out there to follow this.  Perhaps my family may have some interest.  I was sensitive to whether Sarah may not approve and I did mention to her that I was thinking of doing this.  I didn't get the feeling that she was super excited to hear this.  But I also didn't get the sense that she disapproved.  I will continue to check in with her and Matt to make sure this is not upsetting them.  

Well this is all a long introduction as to how I got here and what I plan on doing.  Sort of like clearing my thought before I launch into what I want to say.   I'm really not sure where this will go.  Looking back at what I just wrote, I'm not totally happy with this as it all seems a bit disjointed. But, I hate editing.  At least I got started, which is always the hardest part for me.  More and hopefully better to come.